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| THIS, THAT, AND HUMOR TOO!! |
| The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked." When Annie took her children to a restaurant, her six-year-old son, Phillip, asked if he could say grace. As they bowed their heads, Phillip said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, Annie heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, Phillip burst into tears and asked, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As Annie held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at Phillip and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" Phillip asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman making the remark), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, Annie bought her children ice cream at the end of the meal and Phillip stared at his for a moment. Then he picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already." One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy, "Tommy, do you see the tree outside?" TOMMY: "Yes." TEACHER: "Tommy, do you see the grass outside?" TOMMY: "Yes." TEACHER: "Tommy, go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky." TOMMY: "Okay" (returns a few minutes later). "Yes, I saw the sky." TEACHER: "Tommy, did you see God?" TOMMY: "No." TEACHER: "That's my point, Tommy. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist." The 6 year old girl spoke up and wanted to ask Tommy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked, "Tommy, do you see the tree outside?" TOMMY: "Yes." LITTLE GIRL: "Tommy, do you see the grass outside?" TOMMY: "Yessssss" (getting very tired of the questions). LITTLE GIRL: "Did you see the sky?" TOMMY: "Yessssss." LITTLE GIRL: "Tommy, do you see the teacher?" TOMMY: "Yes." LITTLE GIRL: "Do you see her brain?" TOMMY: "No." LITTLE GIRL: "Then according to what we were taught today in class, she must not have one!" NOAH was a drunk... ABRAHAM was too old... ISAAC was a day dreamer... JACOB was a liar... LEAH was ugly... JOSEPH was abused... MOSES couldn't talk... GIDEON was afraid... SAMPSON had long hair and was a womanizer... RAHAB was a prostitute... JEREMIAH was too young... DAVID had an affair and was a murderer... ELIJAH was suicidal... ISAIAH preached naked... JONAH ran from GOD... NAOMI was a widow... JOB went bankrupt... JOHN the Baptist ate bugs... PETER denied Christ... The DISCIPLES fell asleep while praying... MARTHA worried about everything... MARY MAGDALENE was demon possessed... The SAMARITAN WOMAN was divorced...more than once... ZACCHEUS was too small... PAUL was too religious... TIMOTHY had an ulcer... AND LAZARUS WAS DEAD!!! A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house." Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots, but it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You have to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. Thank God for all our crack(ed)pots! If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every Spring, He sends you a sunrise every morning. Face it, friend - He's crazy about you! A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car, shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," he pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair?" He's hurt and he's too heavy for me." Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" An elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign...'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell'......can't stay on the church roof!" George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!" Three pastors met and were talking over conditions at their churches. The first pastor said, "You know, since summer started, I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything----noise, spray, cats---nothing seems to scare them away." The second pastor said, "Yeah, my church too. There are hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them but nothing has worked so far." The third pastor said, "I had the same problem, so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... haven't seen one since." The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!! To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday". Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot. Name stickers will be available for the people you haven't seen in years. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The santuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who say he is too loud. Author Unknown. |
| AND THE CONSUL SAID, |
| "MICE IN THE CHURCH" |
| FRIENDS ARE QUIET ANGELS WHO LIFT US TO OUR FEET WHEN OUR WINGS HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING HOW TO FLY. |
| "The Substitute Organist" |
| BE HUMBLE FOR YOU ARE MADE OF EARTH, BE NOBLE FOR YOU ARE MADE OF STARS. |
| "GETTING TO THE CENTER OF IT!! |
| Q. What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? A. Psalms 117 Q. What is the longest chapter in the Bible? A. Psalms 119 Q. Which chapter is in the center of the Bible? A. Psalms 118 There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118. There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118. Add these numbers up and you get 1188. Q. What is the center verse in the Bible? A. Psalms 118.8 Now isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it)? |
| During the month of March, in Tillamook, it only rains on days ending with the letter "Y". |
| "No Excuse Sunday" Is Almost Here!! |
| "THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - COWBOY STYLE" |
| (1) Just one God. (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. (3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'. (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'. (5) Put nothin' before God. (6) No foolin' round with anudder fellow's gal. (7) No killin'. (8) Watch yer mouth. (9) Don't take wha tain't yers. (10) Don't be hankerin' fer yer buddy's stuff. |
| Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia!!! |
| You must live with people to know their problems, and live with God in order to solve them. |
| "BUT THE SIGN, THE SIGN!!" |
| The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care. |
| "THE BRICK" |
| It's what you learn, after you know it all, that counts." |
| . |
| "THOUGHT FOR THE DAY" |
| When the restaurant next to a Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." |
| THANKS BE TO GOD FOR CRACK(ed) POTS !! |
| "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world." |
| The next time you feel like God can't use you, remember the following people: |
| The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. |
| IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT. |
| "THE NEW PASTOR" |
| "THANK YOU LORD FOR LITTLE GIRLS" |
| THE ONLY NORMAL PEOPLE ARE THE ONES YOU DON'T KNOW VERY WELL. |
| Yummmmmmm |
| "THANK YOU LORD FOR LITTLE BOYS" |
| THIS DAY IS YOURS. DON'T THROW IT AWAY! |